Dear President Obama:

I neglected to mention in my previous letter that I am reading your book, Dreams from My Father. Actually, right now I am fully absorbed in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials (which is fantastic, by the way), and I'm also trying to read Don Quixote (which, because I'm a slow, easily distracted reader, will likely take me years), but Dreams is definitely in the mix. I'm right at the beginning of Part Two, Chicago. I want to discuss it more with you when I finish.

I am most impressed by your writing ability, and I say that not to ingratiate myself in order to receive that autographed photo I requested last week. Dreams is a far cry indeed from the vile, largely ghostwritten pablum generated by most politicians. It's nice to have a literate president again. I know President Clinton is well-read; I seem to recall reading about some drunken shindig during which he and Gabriel Garcia Marquez babbled all night about Cervantes and Faulkner. Or perhaps I just made that up. In any case, I much prefer a president who has actually read books, real books, rather than just Level One Readers and comic books (though I am fond of comics--Spider-Man and Conan too!).

So I am therefore certain that you will understand me when I suggest that, in regard to fixing our cancerous banking institutions, your position at the moment is rather like this:


To nationalize, or not nationalize, that is . . . well, you get the idea.

To extend the analogy further, I see the banks as Claudius, and the citizenry of the U.S. as both the murdered King Hamlet and Getrude--that is to say, the banks poured poison in our ears, and now they're screwing us.

Then we have rather obvious choices for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern:


In other words, Mr. President, despite their crocodile tears about a supposed lack of bipartisanship, these people are not your friends. They would be most happy to deliver you unto the English king along with a letter from the usurper requesting that you be dispatched posthaste.

I haven't worked out all of the other characters. Ophelia might represent your re-election (yikes!). As for Polonius, Horatio, etc., I have no idea. All analogies are imperfect. Perhaps this one doesn't work at all. Perhaps it's all much more like an episode of Gilligan's Island.

But the point is, do not delay. Nationalize those fuckers, clean them up, and sell them to new owners before we're all subsisting on ketchup soup.

Your ardent supporter,
Lein Shory

P.S. I know you're very busy, but do keep in mind the autographed photo.

P.P.S. My good friend Randall Hamm lent a hand with the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern picture.