Dear President Obama:

Good speech tonight! I was intending to switch over at some point and play Wii tennis, but instead I made it all the way through your speech and a minute of Gov. Jindal’s until he made that “pre-existing condition” joke (very bad).

I even noticed Sen. McCain stand up and applaud when you talked about getting the troops out of Iraq, but then he growled some snide remark out of the corner of his mouth to Sen. Collins. If you have lip readers in the White House, maybe they can figure out what he said.

I do have one suggestion: have you noticed how most football games have stopped showing those long offense/defense intros, and instead just briefly show a graphic listing the players’ names, and sometimes not even the entire offense or defense? I was thinking that for your future State of the Union addresses, you could do something like that with the cabinet and Supreme Court, perhaps sending them in before network coverage begins and then employing a crawl at the bottom of the screen noting the “key players.” The thing is, I dragged my boys in to watch the first part of the speech, but they grew so bored and rowdy watching the likes of Stephen Breyer and Ray Lahood kibitz that we sent them off to bed just moments after you entered the chamber.

And while we’re on the subject of football, I suppose my one disappointment was that you made no mention of your support for a college football playoff. I applaud your stated support for such a change, and I can’t help but think that your opinion was solidified as you and the nation watched the gross injustice in 2004 when my Auburn Tigers were cruelly denied an opportunity to play USC in the national title game, a game that any fair observer would say Auburn would have won. Instead, we were treated to one of many recent Bob Stoops and Oklahoma choke-fests, rather than a gutsy victory by that great Auburn team led by Jason Campbell, Cadillac Williams, and Ronnie Brown. In fact, if Congress is forced to go the legislation route to right this wrong, I think nothing would be more fitting than to call the bill the Auburn Tigers 2004 Rightful National Champions Act.

On another subject, I wondered if you read about William Shatner’s intention to become Prime Minister of Canada. How cool would that be—hanging out with Captain Kirk at the G20 and things like that! I was shocked to learn that he is 77, but he seems a lot less aged than the aforementioned Sen. McCain. It’s perhaps fortunate that he’s Canadian rather than a native of some super-militarized state like Russia or the U.S., because the good Captain was always rather trigger-happy. It must be obvious to you now, though, that it is all the more imperative that you commence building the Enterprise before he gains power. The Canucks do not have the resources to draw upon as we do for such a project, but this is Shatner we’re talking about.

Your ardent supporter,
Lein Shory

P.S. I’ll lay off the autographed photo requests for a while, so as not to be rude.