I need a costly handheld electronic device. Won’t you help?

In bygone days of yore, our primitive forebears endured the most excruciating inconveniences. Perhaps they possessed a rudimentary cellular phone, but they could not access their email just anywhere--they would have to return home or to work, or locate what was known as a "wifi hotspot." Just imagine! No video bowling games while at a red light, no searching for restaurant recommendations while in the airport terminal, no updating your Facebook status in the doctor's waiting room. If those simple folk of yesteryear heard a catchy song on the radio and wanted to purchase it on a “compact disc,” they were forced to listen until the “disc jockey” announced the title and performer—otherwise, the song might be lost to them forever! Amazing, but true!

But now:



I ask you: how did humanity ever survive without these remarkable inventions?

Now, as human beings jaunt toward evolutionary perfection, more and more hardships are fading into distant memory--that is, unless you're one of the unlucky ones, the evolutionary dead-enders, the Neanderthals of the Information Age.

I don't want to be an evolutionary dead-ender.

I do possess an iPod. Second-generation, with a crude, monochrome display. Scratched and chipped from a do-it-yourself battery replacement. Once, long ago, it was an able companion, but now it's a veritable Pinto of handheld devices. I grow increasingly ashamed each time someone sees it. I also possess a low-end flip phone, and a digital camera. Yes: I am forced to employ a different device for each of these functions, and even then I am unable to access many functions on the iPhone that are clearly essential to life.

I can endure this no longer.

But which device do I need? An Amazon Kindle would certainly be nice. How lovely it would be to not have to carry dusty old books and risk back injury, when I could have an entire library in a thin handsome plastic package? And yet the Kindle is rather limited. No camera, no song identification, no accessible GPS tracking. Then there's the Blackberry Storm--a quality item, and one our very own president employs. I could survive with either a Storm or an iPhone, but I cannot do without.

And I need your help.

If I have such a device, I will be a happier person. Apple tells me that "Your iPhone can be very productive. Use it to turn to-dos into already-dones." I definitely want a device that does this. I have often wished to be more productive person, one who has more "already-dones" than "to-dos." Run three miles, do 100 push ups and sit ups--already done! Replace wax ring on master bathroom toilet--already done! Take giant bag of used batteries, empty paint cans, and burned-out, mercury-laden fluorescent bulbs to city recycling center--already done! What a wonderful world it would be.

I'm also told that I will "have a world of information at [my] fingertips." This is also something that I want. Suppose I were out clubbing with some fellow ultra-hip owners of costly handheld electronic devices, and one of them referenced the movie Jawbreaker, to hearty guffaws all around the table--except for me, as I haven't seen the movie. If I were lacking my device, I would be hopelessly lost. But with such a device, I could excuse myself to go to the restroom, whereupon I could look up the movie on Wikipedia, quickly learn the major characters and plotpoints, and return to the table armed with a clever reference of my own!

And when I go out on the town, I can take pictures of any extraordinary events I experience, and with but a few taps on the touchscreen, transfer those snapshots to this blog. I don't often go out on the town right now, but if I had such a device, I definitely would go out more, because 1)I would be special, and 2)I'd have fewer "to-dos" to keep me at home.

Plus, whenever I send a message from my device, those lucky recipients will see “Sent from my Blackberry” or “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of the message, and know that I wasn’t just emailing from any old desktop or laptop. They'll know that I'm special--that I own a costly handheld electronic device.

But enough about me. Let's talk about how my owning such a device would benefit you. For one thing, if you're already here reading, then you're obviously enjoying this delightful blog, and no doubt wishing there were more posts to read. More content, you say--"More content, goddamn it!" Sadly, though, I can only spend so much time in front of the computer each day. If I have inspiration whilst in my car, or walking to and from my car to work, or in the can, or just enjoying the out-of-doors, I must somehow commit to memory my ideas lest they be lost forever to you and the world.

Now imagine if I were driving somewhere, perhaps to the dentist, and I lost my way. With a costly handheld electronic device, I could immediately identify my location and plot a route to my destination. But without it, there's no telling where I might end up, and I could be set upon by urban hoodlums or malevolent rustics, resulting in burdensome taxpayer expenses for law enforcement and a criminal investigation.

And what if I were to stumble upon the fabled Bigfoot? Rather than fumble with multiple, dated devices (or heavens to Betsy, be lacking one or more!) I could take out my single costly handheld electronic device, take photos of the legendary creature, then transmit my exact GPS location, and wait for the authorities to arrive and gun down the animal so that its carcass can be used to bring me fame and fortune. It seems a certainty that widespread ownership of such devices dramatically increases the chances of my solving the riddles of Bigfoot, UFOs, and the Mokele-mbembe. And the more mysteries we solve, the better off we all are, no?

All I'm asking is that you donate a dollar. Or two. Or ten.

Really, how much is a dollar, especially when that dollar would make someone (me) so happy?

I know what you're thinking. Times are tough. But I would never ask if you couldn't afford it. And isn't humor and insightful writing needed most when times are tough? By helping me blog, you'll be helping yourself.

Yes, if you going to give a dollar to someone, you might prefer to give it to another type of charitable cause. I respect that, I really do. But have you heard of freerice.com? / It's a site that donates rice for every vocabulary word you get correct. Or how about all of these other sites? If I have a costly handheld electronic device, I'll be able to click on these sites much more often, anywhere, not just when I'm at a computer. So your dollar is actually going much farther than if you sent it to a single charity. And did you know of these sites already? Isn't that information worth something to you?

With just a single dollar from 700 visitors, I would be able to purchase the device plus service for . . . Jesus . . . just five months?

Okay, 2120 visitors, then. 2120. That would be enough for two years of service.

Christ, these things are expensive.