Dear President Obama:

The stock market just continues to suck, doesn't it? I really wish all of those bankers and financiers hadn't been running such a scam for all these years--or rather, that I'd made out better before it all collapsed. If I had moved to Chicago a few years earlier than I did, I could have picked up a house for $150K and sold it a few years later for $450K, and made out like a bandit. Instead, by the time we got there, all that was left in the city were closets that were going for $300K. We still made a little bit, but not enough to make up for the hit our investments have taken.

But hey, too bad we didn't privatize Social Security, huh? That would have been awesome to rope all those retirees into the big Ponzi scheme. I wonder how people like Kramer and that fat turd Limbaugh would have liked having hordes of geriatric beggars clawing at them for pocket change every time they walked down the street.
So I saw where you sent some kind of letter to Putin asking for his help with Iran. I'm afraid that's kind of like asking Sinestro for help fighting Gorilla Grodd. He is highly unlikely to join the Justice League. You know that he murders lots of people, right? He had one of his agents give some guy in England a radioactive suppository or something. Watch out for that guy.

I'm sure you've already heard way too much about this "sleeveless" controversy regarding Michelle. I really don't know where these freaks get off trying to give you and your wife grief about your wardrobe choices. Do they think everyone should dress like Elizabeth Dole? You know, don't you, that as president Thomas Jefferson would greet heads of state in his bathrobe--drop that one on those people and see what they say. And really no has any business talking about the "dignity of the office" after the last two occupants, but I won't get into that since one of their wives is your secretary of state. The only thing I would add is that, while most people with any sense are happy for your wife to show off her lovely arms whenever she wants, please do not consider that license to go sleeveless yourself. Obviously such attire is appropriate for the basketball court or working out, but otherwise I would refrain--in particular, from anything that might be considered a "muscle tee." I know you're trying to reach out to Republicans, but that would be going too far.

I read that you nominated Julius Genachowski to chair the FCC. I'm all for net neutrality and fighting media consolidation, but after Mr. Genachowski deals with those problems, do you think he could look into getting better stuff to watch on TV? I have a lot more than 57 channels now, and there's still not anything to watch. I can't even find anything to record on the DVR. You know what I'm talking about. After a long day of speechmaking, putting out fires started by Vice President Biden, and fending off attacks by crazy Republicans, you head up to the living quarters and try to find something to watch for a few minutes before you hit the sack. Maybe there's a decent game on, but otherwise there's nothing. It's gotten so bad for me that I'll usually watch a few minutes of The Godfather Part II whenever it's on--and it's always on--even though I've seen it 20 times.

Your ardent supporter,
Lein Shory

P.S. Here's my dining room right now:


And here's my dining room soon (I hope!):