Stallions!

If you're like me--and you probably aren't--then you grew up a big fan of the USFL, and in my particular case, the Birmingham Stallions.

Having spent my early years watching Super Friends and playing with Star Wars action figures rather than paying attention to sports, I was just becoming aware of the joys of watching football when the USFL debuted to the delight of, well, several dozen people. Those were the heady days when Birmingham thought it was still competing with Atlanta and might even somehow land an NFL team (did you know that the Patriots almost moved to Birmingham once?). Now, of course, you ask Atlanta and the NFL about Birmingham, and they say, "Where is that again? Mississippi?" But while we were waiting for the NFL to arrive, we enjoyed some pro football in the sizzling, sweltering spring and summer.

I think I attended at least one game every year, and when they weren't on TV (yes, the league had a TV contract!) I would listen on the radio, my first introduction to the late, great Jim Fyffe, the longtime Auburn football and basketball announcer. I learned the names of most of the players, and experienced a taste of what fans in, you know, real cities enjoyed every fall.

The Stallions finished 9-9 their first year. Then they signed Terry Bradshaw's backup Cliff Stoudt, and former Buffalo Bill and Auburn standout Joe Cribbs. The next year they went 15-3, and the year after that, 14-4. They weren't the most exciting team to watch, but they won. And they were drawing pretty big crowds, even 60,000 for a game against the Generals. Then the league up and died.

I still think they might have survived if the owners hadn't gotten so greedy so quickly. And by "they" I mostly mean Donald Trump, owner of the New Jersey Generals. Thinking he was the USFL's Sonny Werblin, Trump lured Herschel Walker out of college with what at the time was a big salary, then signed Doug Flutie, and the money chase was on. He led the lawsuit against the NFL and the proposed move to the fall, and we know how that turned out. Now The Donald has a TV show and yells "You're fired!" at people, which doesn't seem fair since he ruined part of my adolescence.

I even wrote a poem about the demise of the league. One of my few poems, and perhaps my greatest. It was printed in our high school newspaper. It helped that I was one of the newspaper editors, but even so, it was awesome. I wonder if my friend Dave has a copy. I bet it would bring a tear to the eye even now.

A few years ago I even spent an inordinate amount of time creating a virtual Stallions team for Madden NFL. It's a good thing you couldn't change the number of teams in the league on Madden, or I might have recreated the whole damn league. At least all that effort helped me develop some skills in--actually, it didn't help me develop any skills in anything at all. But it was fun watching Joey Jones lay out for a catch again, or Chuck Clanton make a great interception.

Now I hear someone is bringing back the USFL, which is a really stupid idea, and made even more so when you realize that they aren't really bringing back any of the old teams, like the Stallions, the Chicago Blitz, the Memphis Showboats, or my second-favorite team, the Boston/New Orleans/Portland Breakers. No Herschel Walker. No Doug Flutie. No Steve Young. No Jim Kelly or Reggie White or Anthony Thomas or Scott Norwood or Jim Mora or Steve Spurrier.

But for those of us who still love the old USFL, ThrowbackMax sells some pretty cool merchandise. You can buy a Stallions mini-helmet here (my friend Jerry sent me one--it's very cool). Birminghamprosports.com has some photos and history of the Stallions. And this dude is crazier than I am and really did recreate the entire USFL for Madden.

Dear President Obama:

The stock market just continues to suck, doesn't it? I really wish all of those bankers and financiers hadn't been running such a scam for all these years--or rather, that I'd made out better before it all collapsed. If I had moved to Chicago a few years earlier than I did, I could have picked up a house for $150K and sold it a few years later for $450K, and made out like a bandit. Instead, by the time we got there, all that was left in the city were closets that were going for $300K. We still made a little bit, but not enough to make up for the hit our investments have taken.

But hey, too bad we didn't privatize Social Security, huh? That would have been awesome to rope all those retirees into the big Ponzi scheme. I wonder how people like Kramer and that fat turd Limbaugh would have liked having hordes of geriatric beggars clawing at them for pocket change every time they walked down the street.
So I saw where you sent some kind of letter to Putin asking for his help with Iran. I'm afraid that's kind of like asking Sinestro for help fighting Gorilla Grodd. He is highly unlikely to join the Justice League. You know that he murders lots of people, right? He had one of his agents give some guy in England a radioactive suppository or something. Watch out for that guy.

I'm sure you've already heard way too much about this "sleeveless" controversy regarding Michelle. I really don't know where these freaks get off trying to give you and your wife grief about your wardrobe choices. Do they think everyone should dress like Elizabeth Dole? You know, don't you, that as president Thomas Jefferson would greet heads of state in his bathrobe--drop that one on those people and see what they say. And really no has any business talking about the "dignity of the office" after the last two occupants, but I won't get into that since one of their wives is your secretary of state. The only thing I would add is that, while most people with any sense are happy for your wife to show off her lovely arms whenever she wants, please do not consider that license to go sleeveless yourself. Obviously such attire is appropriate for the basketball court or working out, but otherwise I would refrain--in particular, from anything that might be considered a "muscle tee." I know you're trying to reach out to Republicans, but that would be going too far.

I read that you nominated Julius Genachowski to chair the FCC. I'm all for net neutrality and fighting media consolidation, but after Mr. Genachowski deals with those problems, do you think he could look into getting better stuff to watch on TV? I have a lot more than 57 channels now, and there's still not anything to watch. I can't even find anything to record on the DVR. You know what I'm talking about. After a long day of speechmaking, putting out fires started by Vice President Biden, and fending off attacks by crazy Republicans, you head up to the living quarters and try to find something to watch for a few minutes before you hit the sack. Maybe there's a decent game on, but otherwise there's nothing. It's gotten so bad for me that I'll usually watch a few minutes of The Godfather Part II whenever it's on--and it's always on--even though I've seen it 20 times.

Your ardent supporter,
Lein Shory

P.S. Here's my dining room right now:


And here's my dining room soon (I hope!):