Fuck You and Your Chickens Too

So I'm kind of an asshole and don't pay much attention to the local news, and I just found out the Columbia City Council passed an ordinance allowing people to keep chickens on their property. I assume this was brought about by some unholy alliance of rednecks and hippies--people who don't want to bother leashing their dogs but insist on flying the Confederate flag, along with a bunch of self-flagellating Green Guilters who like to harangue other people about not composting their own turds.

What the fuck is the matter with you people? Haven't you ever heard of wild animals? "Ohhhh, but I want fresh eggs." You know what else likes fresh eggs? Snakes. All kinds of snakes. Black snakes and rat snakes. But rattlesnakes and copperheads too. And coons. There's nothing a rabid coon likes better than a fresh fucking egg he can crack open with those little hands to suck out the juicy goodness. And rats. They love little chicks. And eggs. And chicken feed.

Is that really what you want in town--more rats and rattlesnakes and rabid coons? Jesus Fucking Christ. How about we just hang some hams on our porches and hope we scare up some mountain lions or bears?

Here's a little bit of info for all those who are confused about where chickens are supposed to live:

Country: chickens
City: no chickens

I spent plenty of time in the country. My dad raised cattle when I was a little kid, and we spent tons of time outside of Birmingham on our farm. I've been around chicken coops. I remember driving by chicken coops. You know what chicken coops smell like? They smell like chicken shit, that's what. I've got nothing against farmers. My wife's family all grew up on farms or are farmers now. Nothing like being a farmer. Salt of the earth. You want to raise chickens, go find a place to do it, and more power to you. But I chose to live in the city, where I assumed I wouldn't have to smell chicken shit. I'd have to smell pollution, gas fumes, stuff like that, but not chicken shit.

If you want to raise chickens, go live in the country! Everybody else doesn't have to accommodate your wants. How about we pull up the asphalt and just have dirt roads? How about we have cows and cow turds everywhere? Look, I guess fresh eggs are fine. I've had plenty of them before. Honestly I don't know if I can tell the difference very much, but whatever. I'm sure you with your sensitive fucking palate can tell.

Yeah, I know that those factories are bad with the chickens in their cramped spaces and feet growing around the cages and everything. So if there was a machine that spit out fresh eggs, I'd be for it. But there's not. To have your own fresh eggs, you have to have chickens. And when you have chickens, you have chicken shit, and raccoons, and snakes, and rats.

And let me tell you, if you move next to me with your fucking chickens, and one of my boys gets bitten by a rattlesnake or rabid raccoon, you aren't going to be able to afford to raise chickens anymore. You won't be able to afford much of anything. You'll be getting your fucking eggs from the food bank. They'll be factory eggs. And they'll taste like heaven.