The Only Good Diet Soda (Diet A&W)

I hate diet soda.

You know that movie in which Tom Hanks is stranded on a deserted island and he talks to a volleyball because it's the closest thing he has to a companion?

Diet soda is like that volleyball.

The only diet soda that isn't is Diet A&W.

Why? Because it actually tastes good. And it doesn't taste good in the way that other diet sodas do--you know, the way they almost kinda sorta remind you of the real thing, if you can get past the nasty chemical diet taste.

Diet A&W tastes like root beer.

I have tried to detect the chemical diet taste. I have tried to convince myself that it really doesn't taste good, that I have been away from the real thing for too long, in the same way that if you're away from Chicago for too long, that stuffed pizza you ordered in Missouri actually tastes like the real deal.

But I drink enough non-diet root beer to know.

If you don't like root beer, you probably aren't going to like Diet A&W. I can't imagine why you don't like root beer, but it's a free country. If you do like root beer, go get a bottle or can and try it out.

I'd offer to refund your money if you're unsatisfied, but I'm poor. And you won't need a refund anyway. You'll like it.

"We're the party of hell no!"

Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a winner.

It ain't morning in America, I know that much.

Freedom: A Fable

"So why is it we can't have universal healthcare coverage?" Joe asked.

"We have to preserve our freedom," Fred said.

"And why we must allow insurance companies to deny people for preexisting conditions?"

"Freedom."

"And why must we also let them cancel coverage for people when they get sick?"

"It's unfortunate, but it's necessary to ensure freedom."

"In order to be free, people must remain at the mercy of insurance companies?"

"I wouldn't expect you to understand. But yes. Freedom."

State health care lawsuits offer journalist dorks opportunity to say "attorneys general"

In the wake of health care reform passage, announcements of lawsuits in thirteen states over the constitutionality of the bill have given journalist dorks everywhere the opportunity to show off by speaking and writing "attorneys general," rather than "attorney generals."

Never mind that such knowledge is roughly equivalent to being able to name all albums plus year of release by the band Supertramp. Having had sand kicked in their faces throughout their childhoods, journalists, like professors in academia, had found the media business to be a safe haven, but dwindling advertising revenues in recent years have reduced their self-esteem to elementary-school levels.

"I was all excited about being able to point out the redundancy of 'Easter Sunday,'" said Kristen Blakely, reporter for the Chicago News. "But to be able to say 'attorneys general' as well--it's like Christmas in March!"

"A lot of people think the plural of 'attorney general' is 'attorney generals,' but actually it's 'attorneys general,'" another reporter, Lee "Scoop" Thomas of The Birmingham Star-Tribune, was overheard telling a woman way out of his league in a bar this week.

"Get lost, dweeb," the woman was heard to respond.

Will Work for Cheese

So I bought this Kerrygold Dubliner cheese at the HyVee the other day, 'cause it was on sale for St. Patrick's Day.

I don't care that much about St. Patrick's Day, but I care a lot about cheese.

And this cheese is the BEST.

I'd describe it as having the consistency of sharp cheddar but with a taste somewhere between parmesan and romano.

Go buy some of this stuff.

Go buy it now.

And Kerrygold, if you send me some of this stuff, or even just some good coupons, I'll put an ad for you on this site. I will hail your product from the rooftops.

UPDATE: So I shot Kerrygold the link to this post, and they wrote back and are sending me some coupons. You're the BEST, Kerrygold!

Pulp Engine Flash Fiction Challenge

We just kicked off a flash fiction challenge over at Pulp Engine:

Chicago-based surrealist artist Brett Hess has kindly offered up one of his great paintings for a Pulp Engine flash fiction challenge.

The painting is "One More Secret Drifts Away and All Hope Here Has Gone Astray."

Entries should be inspired by the painting and between 500-1,000 words.

Post your entries and then send the link to info@pulpengine.com

Please include a link to pulpengine.com as well as hess-art.com in your post.

Pulp Engine regulars can either post their entries at pulpengine.com or on their own sites.

On April 7, we will post links to all entries received.

Be sure to check out Brett's other amazing work at hess-art.com and his Facebook gallery.

And speaking of Facebook, you can become a fan of Pulp Engine there, and also follow us on Twitter.

Thanks for participating, and thanks very much to Brett Hess!

Oh, the Villainy

Turned up this quote from Andrew Keen, author of The Cult of the Amateur: How blogs, MySpace, YouTube, and the rest of today's user-generated media are destroying our economy, our culture, and our values, in the AFP article "Media heavyweights spar over charging for news online":

"We do need to fight the culture of free, the culture which suggests that large media companies or for that matter small media companies don't have the right to charge for their content," he said.

"Media companies if they choose can give their stuff away for free but they shouldn't be vilified if they choose to build pay walls around it and sell it," Keen said.

Vilified?

Mr. Keen has constructed a rather large man of straw to make his argument.

I don't know of anyone saying that media companies don't have the right to charge for their content. I don't know of anyone saying that they're villains for doing so.

I do know, though, that I have the right to not pay if I choose. And that doesn't make me a villain. Chief.

Bill

I just wish Voki had more of a range of voices.

Otherwise, great fun.

The Rush Limbaugh Show review

Look, I get that you're all angry. I understand. Believe it or not, I've been angry on occasion.

But I don't understand why you would sit around and listen to a show that just makes you angrier.

You believe that conservatism will make everything better, right? Then why not turn off the radio and go make everything better by doing something all conservative-y?

I'll bet you're a big fan of the saying, "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." Every conservative I know loves to say that.

Maybe you could teach someone how to fish.

Or maybe Ayn Rand would disapprove. I don't know.

But you need to do something to relieve the anger.

Masturbate.

Something.

Automatic Rudy

Voki Voki Voki

I love me some Voki:

Birmingham Stallions Cowboy Hat

Will someone please buy this for me?

I would buy it, but I'm poor.

I promise I'll never take it off, ever.

Adam Lambert: For Your Entertainment review

You know how sometimes you walk into a store and see a shirt or a book, or you turn on the TV and catch the beginning of a show, and you think, "That's for me. Whoever made this, made it for me"?

Well, that's how I feel about Adam Lambert's For Your Entertainment.

I don't have to listen to a word. And I haven't. I can just tell from the cover.

Adam made this album for me. For MY entertainment. The "Your" in For Your Entertainment? That's me.

It's like, in the liner notes, there must be a note that says, "To my BFF Lein Shory. This album is for you."

Adam Lambert. His words and music will live forever!!!

The Marriage Ref review

I'd rather drill a lag bolt into my head than watch a second of The Marriage Ref. I had to take a decontamination shower after just watching the commercial.

I have zero sympathy for the married couples who willingly subject themselves to ridicule on the show. If you're stupid enough to do that, you deserve everything you get.

But as for Jerry Seinfeld, Kelly Ripa, Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Madonna, Ricky Gervais, and all of the other celebrity cloud minders who think it's great fun to yuck it up at the expense of the great unwashed:

FUCK YOU.